4 a.m.

I feel like that Eagles song, isn't it called "25 or 6 past 4?". I was SO convinced that I'd go into labor tonight- I'm actually really upset and frustrated right now. Here's why:

Spent yesterday morning at the At Play Cafe with James: he loved it. Totally worth the money. We came home, had lunch, and I got him down for nap. Mom and Dad snuck in to be here while I went to my appt. I got to the doctor at 2 p.m. for my 2:15 appt. I sat in the waiting room for almost 45 minutes. Felt tightening and some mild pain, so I figured I was having a contraction or two.

By the time the doctor got to me, I'd had my blood pressure checked twice - the first time it was high (for me). Obviously the wait, the heat, the anxiety, etc. all got to me. I heard my friend Lauren in the room next door to me and so we had a funny chat through the locked door for a few minutes. Finally the doctor comes in to check me - I was 2 cm! Great news! She stripped my membranes! Not so bad! I had a contraction on the table! Yes! She said tonight or tomorrow! Great!

I was on a high - I called Greg, I told my mom to prepare, etc. Off and on all evening I had some contractions, so I took a shower - what a surprise, they went away. So that's my new rule, no more showers. Anyway, I lay down and tried to read and I had a two minute contraction. Wow. Okay, I could handle it because it was early, but, I thought, crap, I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. So I went ahead and turned off the light, thinking I'd try to rest. Greg was still up and I told him I was sure I'd have another in 20-30 minutes.

And yet....here I am. It's 4 a.m. I had funky dreams about setting a table full of food (lots of food, what's that about?) and there was a huge thunderstorm outside which also woke me up. But no contractions. What gives?! This is CRAP. Here I am, the entire pregnancy, going on and on about how I want to go "naturally" and WANT TO FEEL THE PAIN. And yet. And yet. I'm going to end up being induced ANYWAY and God knows after having felt Pitocin I will NOT be going through that again without an epidural. So all my plans of walking around, having a birthing ball, etc. will be shot to shit.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. An induction wouldn't be until this weekend but STILL. I mean, apparently I can dilate just WALKING AROUND but my water just won't break! I know all kids are different but this is my second!

Okay, I am freaking out here. Breathing. I guess what I'm realizing is that I don't have control over this, over when I got pregnant (easily, thankfully), over anything. But man, this is tough.

So I guess I should just try to relax and lie down and chill out. I woke up, realized I wasn't having contractions, and came out here to walk around. I'm watching "Sex and the City" season 6 and walked for 30 minutes. I just need to rest, so I'm going to sign off, get a cookie, and attempt to go to sleep and get my water to break.