Self Control

So I just ate some vanilla ice cream with fresh blueberries and raspberries. It sounds fancy, but in fact the fruit was about to go bad and James refused it as part of his lunch. So I decided to eat it with some ice cream. Somehow this feels okay to me. But it also doesn't.

See, I've been feeling, well, BIG, lately. I know, I know. I had a baby - but it's been 4 months! I've been trying to run when I can, because it's honestly the way I feel best about working out. But with early darkness and cold, well, it's not a mid-week option for me. I won't pay for a gym (we don't have cable either). And I really hate doing aerobics downstairs after the boys are asleep. I mean, I'm TIRED.

See, now I'm full of excuses. The truth is, I also have very little self-discipline. At various points of my life, I had good control and ate very healthily. But I also think I got a little too weird about the eating thing. I actually have a theory that EVERY woman goes through a little food thing here and again throughout her life. Not as extreme as some cases, but there's always a little devil sitting on our shoulders telling us not to eat this or that.

Anyway, I digress. I should have done my cultural anthropology thesis (undergraduate) on eating and women's bodies and our culture, but hey, 10 years too late for that. My point is, I'm NOT controlling my eating. I'm JUSTIFYING eating crap (ice cream with fruit - hey, that's GOOD for you!) and letting myself get far too comfy in the one-size-larger pants I've bought (cheaply!) at Costco. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm someone who used to be an athlete. I lost over 17 pounds prepping for my wedding and I hardly worked out at all. So what gives?!

If anyone can help me get on a good track, I would appreciate it. I would like to do Weight Watchers, but I don't want to pay for the program. I think I need to keep snacks in my car (healthy snacks) so that I don't get sidelined by Chik Fil A and "just this once". I need a running partner in my neighborhood so I can go out in the evenings.

I also need to remember that this is for me. Greg is very supportive of my working out but also isn't pushing me at all. The running is ALL me. He knows I'm in such a better mood once I go too. Plus, my boys just want me to be their mommy. So the motivation just has to come from within.

This has been a rambling post - I guess my point is, I'm down but not out. I know I'm a good person no matter what, and I know I can lose this weight in a healthy way. I just need to get to the point where I'm ready to say, okay. No more ice cream. Even with berries. :)