Now I Know

I went to vote yesterday, with the boys in the double stroller, wearing my marathon fleece. The woman at the desk looked at it and said, "Is that...from this year?" Before I could respond, she said something like, "How far did you get?" or "How'd it go?" -- basically, implying (maybe, I might be defensive!) that there's NO WAY this MOM with TWO KIDS could have finished. (Okay, that's a bit dramatic, but still). I proudly said, "4:26". The funny thing is, as soon as I said it, I felt my voice catch and a few tears start to fill my eyes. I am so emotional about the marathon experience because I truly feel like it was all a dream, especially now that I'm feeling better physically!

Another anecdote: my friend Katie ran the NYC marathon this past Sunday. I posted lots of well wishes and congrats on her Facebook page. She messaged me afterwards and said to the effect that, "Now you know what it's like - isn't it great that you can relate?".

Hence, this blog post title: Now I Know.

Now I know what it's like to truly, physically undertake a marathon challenge. Now I know the months of running, coordinating, pushing, listening, breathing, pounding. Now I know the feeling of crossing the finish line, taking that medal, and feeling its weight against my chest. Now I know what it's like to have to talk myself through the last few miles, knowing that the end is near.

There was a moment mid-marathon where I found myself "back in my body". I equate it to the feelings I had on my wedding day and on both days I gave birth. Before any of these momentous occasions, the process of getting married and being the bride, and giving birth, and running 26.2 miles, seem...impossible to understand. Impossible to grasp. Impossible that I would ever know.

So I dreamed and hoped and prayed for these times. On my wedding day I stopped a few times and found myself telling myself, "This is YOUR wedding day! You ARE married to Greg! It's REALLY happening." On the days I gave birth I felt like I was there but not there and in a dream-like state, even with the pain and stress and confusion. I had to remind myself, "Get back in the moment, you are REALLY doing this. You are REALLY having a LIVE BABY!" I had to stop watching the situation and remind myself that I was doing it, my body was doing it, and I was about to welcome my boys.

Around mile 19, the reality of what I was doing popped into my head...and I thought to myself, "You are really doing this - you are really running the marathon. You, just you. No one else (well, besides the 20,000 other people, but from an individual point of view). You. Are. Doing. This. You. Need. To. Push. On. You Can Do This."

So now I know. Now I know that these major life milestones that I thought were reserved for special people are really reserved for all of us. We have choices for which we want to take on and the milestones are different for each person. But now I know that I have done the things I've wanted to do and now I know how it feels to be a wife, a mom, and a marathoner.

The voting table lady did say to me after I told her my time, "Did you push them?" (referring to a double stroller full of boy). I quickly responded, "Heck no". I mean, I think I'm all strong and powerful and awesome, but I'm not crazy. :)